My Bloody Valentine 3D Review
Before I begin, let me just say I saw this in 2D, which likely made a huge difference.
But since many of you will see the movie in 2D, consider this fair warning.
Reading some of the reviews on this, most of them being web-based, gives the impression this is going to be the most awesomely ridiculous horror movie ever.
I was expecting ludicrously violent murders, a breast to pop up promptly every two minutes, just general insanity.
On these grounds, My Bloody Valentine meets you halfway.
But something that hasn’t received much consideration in the reviews I’ve perused is the idiotic logic gaps in the plotting, the embarassingly bad soap-opera level performances, the often laughable (for the wrong reasons) dialogue.
Not to mention the overall cliched to death (sorry, no pun intended) air that permeates the whole affair, a story about a ghostly miner killing teenagers.
Okay, let’s say you take all that and say, what’d you expect? Bergman? This is a stupid horror movie, does it deliver the goods?
I’ve seen more inspired killings even in something like Final Destination 3, frankly there are limits to how you can kill somebody with a pickaxe (the miner’s weapon of choice) though the film does achieve a few startling kills with this weapon.
It’s also interesting that all the nudity has been condensed into one absurdly gratuitous episode, on which I’ll comment at the bottom.
If you enjoy these types of stupid dead-teenager horror movies, you likely will enjoy parts of My Bloody Valentine, but like me you may be disappointed it doesn’t go even further than it does.
Yeah, there’s an absurdly long nude scene
Actress Betsy Rue is completely naked for about five minutes in this movie. She starts off having sex with a trucker, whom she pursues nude into the parking lot, where she is chased by our possibly undead miner friend all the way into another room. That must have been an interesting day on set.
From insulting casting of little people 101
A little person is cast in this film, arbitrarily, which some may consider a positive. I would imagine little people would prefer to be cast arbitrarily as opposed to specifically to play little people. But the filmmakers likely knew what was going to happen when a Saturday night crowd saw a random little person show up (and be killed off), and perhaps that arbitrary casting wasn’t really arbitrary, and casting a little person for laughs is pretty shameful.
And have sex with!
There’s an obligatory love triangle in My Bloody Valentine. So at one point the married man, whose wife may be interested in the handsome outsider, says the following.
“She’s my wife. We have a child together. We share a bed…and have sex!”
Wow. Really? Yeah. Wow.
From Absurdly Cliched Lines 101
Early in the movie the villain pretty much massacres an entire Hospital wing. Two old cops show up on the scene. One delivers this gem with remarkable seriousness, “Looks like I waited too long to retire.” Sometime around here the other cop says, “Happy fucking Valentine.”
Did I mention this movie is hilarious?
The One Part That’s Actually Mildly Surprising
Trying to say this without giving anything away, but there’s a portion of this movie where typical horror morality is upended. So props for that.
-Dan Benamor