Friday the 13th Review
If you see this movie, you deserve it. So don’t complain about the following 13 things.
1. It’s Super-Dumb
They just don’t care about how dumb it is. People literally say things like, “Let’s check it out!” before walking into some creepy abandoned place and dying.
2. The Kills Are Nothing Special
It’s pretty gross that this is how horror movies are gauged, but that’s the case so let’s discuss it. The kills in this movie are largely boring and dull. Stabbing somebody is not creative. They do have a couple unique kills in here, but nowhere near enough.
3. Jason is amped up just enough to make you wish he was more amped up
Jason is more athletic and smart in this one, setting traps and such. But man wouldn’t it have been cool if he was super-amped up. Personally I want a Ray Lewis-athletic Jason. I want him clothes-lining people and sprinting full out and so on. The guy has been around for a gajillion movies, they should have taken a chance and tried to reinvent him.
4. See My Bloody Valentine 3D instead
Seriously. This movie (Friday the 13th) is still trying to pretend it’s a real movie. My Bloody Valentine 3D doesn’t really do that. It’s got a 5 minute nude chase scene, for crying out loud. It’s got way more extravagant and crazy kills. It’s just generally a much more fun movie. And even that movie was a little restrained, in my opinion.
5. The plot is stunningly predictable and dull
They just rip off the first three movies and combine them. They add that Jason mistakes someone’s sister for his own sister, which whupti-doo, is not really anything new to the character as he had mistaken someone for his mom when she put on her sweater in the second film of the series. Gotta get this guy some contacts.
6. The opening titles show up like 20 minutes in
Literally at the press screening the critics were checking their watches, it’s laughable how late they pop the title up.
7. Even Final Destination 3 is better than this
Kill-wise it’s actually way better. As in literally any one kill in Final Destination 3 is better than every kill in Friday the 13th.
8. They try to pretend their depiction of the black dude isn’t racist but it kinda is.
The one black guy in the movie is trying to make hip hop music. A white girl actually guesses this when he says he does music and he gets offended. He basically says, just because I’m black you think I do hip hop? And then he’s like, but yeah, I’m doing hip hop. You don’t get off the hook for a cliche because you admit it is a cliche.