I know you want to go see it anyway, but don’t!

Wolverine Review

Listen, at this point you probably pretty much know if you’re going to go see this movie or not.

And if you love Wolverine it’s hard to blame you, surely even if the movie sucks you want to at least see what it was like, right?

WRONG!

Don’t do it. I mean it. You will be disappointed, I’m confident of that.

Why You Will Be Disappointed

It’s extremely goofy.

I mean like guilty-pleasure goofy. Little Tiny-Tim-like sickly child Wolverine cradles his dying father and then cries to the heavens as he sprouts claws. Maybe that sounded like a good idea on paper but listen it’s hard enough to suspend your disbelief while watching a dude with claws fight people in a live-action movie. Having a kid do it, shooting it to maximize the soap-opera quality of the scene, and adding in Harry Gregson-Williams over-the-top score all together make it LAUGHABLE.

That’s bad.

One Part That’s Actually Pretty Cool

The movie sets up Wolverine and Sabretooth as lifelong friends turned enemies, mostly by way of a really impressive montage which follows them through the Civil War, WWI, WW2 and Vietnam as they fight side by side.

There’s a really neat revisionist history kick to seeing Sabretooth gallop his way through the beaches of Normandy fighting Nazis.

But Even in This Part, There Are Problems

There’s a slow-mo shot of Schreiber snarling, in Vietnam, which is actually laughable. It’s an extremely serious scene but he just looks so silly snarling, almost like a little kid playing a monster or something. It’s just very tough to take seriously.

Also Tough To Take Seriously

There is literally a scene where Wolverine walks away coolly, in slow motion, while a huge explosion occurs behind him.

Is that even like allowed anymore? That’s got to be one of the most cliched images in action filmdom.

By Far the Best Part of the Movie

Ryan Reynolds. Reynolds bring his usual quick wit to the role of Wade Wilson/Deadpool. And his jokes, for example telling Sabretooth his nails look like a bag lady’s and offering him a manicure, are so refreshing because they are not taking everything so damn serious.

It’s not that I have a problem with Wolverine taking itself seriously, it’s just the movie is so unsuccesful at being taken seriously it’s a relief to find an actor/character poking fun at the whole superhero world he is ensconced in.

What About the Action? That’s Probably Sick Right?

No. Most of it is just Wolverine and Sabretooth jumping into each other, which is dull and uncreative.

The trailer stunt where Wolverine jumps from an exploding jeep onto a helicopter is so ridiculous it is not thrilling.

The last fight on a nuclear silo is actually admittedly pretty neat though, well-conceived and fun to watch.

Gambit!
Is an extremely dull dude in this movie. Tayler Kitsch brings his Friday Night Lights (TV) smolder to a role that doesn’t really call for it. I remember watching Gambit on Saturday mornings on the X-Men cartoon show, and he was ridiculous, which was half the fun. Constantly coming on to Rogue with a really silly overdone accent, Gambit may have been out-there but at least he had a personality. He doesn’t have much personality in Wolverine.

So In Case It’s Not Clear Yet

Truly, don’t see this movie. Do something else. Save your money so you can see Star Trek next week. Read a book. Take a walk.

Don’t do it. You will regret it!

-Dan Benamor