Read on and entertain yourself with the most ludicrous series of top 10 lists (and at the bottom is the legit, top 10 of the year, one).
Top 10 Movies That You Will Consider Renting But Shouldn’t
1. Rambo. Who is righteous? Is it the man who enacts a revenge so brutal, it might actually be close to as violent as what the bad guys did? This movie is ludicrously violent. A baby is thrown into a fire at one point. It sets the villains up as so bad you are supposed to root for Rambo as he literally rips a guy’s throat open with his bare hands. That’s not a popcorn movie, it’s one for the psycho killer section of the asylum.
2. Prom Night. It’s remarkably bad. It’s like a 101 class in horror movie cliches. Seriously.
3. Death Race. I like Jason Statham as much as the next guy, but his stone-faced actioners have grown increasingly dull. The action is typical. The plot is stunningly hypocritical (criticizing a violent culture while profiting from people coming to see a violent movie). Boo!
4. The Love Guru. If you seriously thought this looked funny, maybe somehow you will like it. But apart from Mike Myer’s guru phrase “Mariska Hargitay”, this is about as funny as a punch in the face, and not a particularly funny punch in the face.
5. The Other Boleyn Girl. It’s more fun waiting to see what goofy hat Eric Bana will be forced to wear next than watch this movie, which can’t decide whether it wants to be a bodice-ripper or thought provoker and ends up lost in between.
6. Street Kings. Talk about a wasted cast. Hugh Laurie, Forest Whitaker, Common, Keanu Reeves (okay maybe not so much Keanu Reeves). James Ellroy was involved, David Ayer (Training Day) was involved. Somehow they made something that purports to be serious but comes off laughable.
7. Babylon A.D. Man this is a weird movie. Gerard Depardieu is monstrously made-up as some sort of gangster figure, it’s vaguely sci-fi-y without being interesting, the ending whiffs of being cut the week before to shorten the runtime. Run away.
8. 88 Minutes. You know it’s not good, hopefully. Then again maybe you just see Al Pacino on the cover, read the synopsis, and think, “Could be good.” You are wrong, sir! It’s cheesy slow-mo blur shot faux cop garbage.
9. Doomsday. I love The Descent, but Neil Marshall’s super-weird Mad Max lookalike is entertaining only in considering it’s remarkably low budget relative to the amount of locations and action (a castle? a giant rave? huge car chases?) it has. Apart from that, it’s just goofy.
10. Strange Wilderness. I know Steve Zahn and Justin Long and Jonah Hill and randomly Ernest Borgnine are in it. But the trailer is literally funnier than the entire movie. Don’t do it.
Top 10 Movies You Probably Didn’t See in Theatres, But Need to Rent
1. Funny Games. You’re not really supposed to enjoy this movie. But if you get that, you might find yourself really enjoying it. This deconstructs horror, and it does so with such viciousness you very well might be exhausted by the end. It will make you rethink how you watch horror movies. And don’t listen to the people who call it hypocritical, nearly none of the violence is shown onscreen, and there’s a reason Naomi Watts ends up in the least flattering underwear ever.
2. Sex Drive. This movie is funny nearly the whole way through. The only drawback is the near-constant use of the f-word by a certain homophobic brother, but this is at least somewhat redeemed by the finale, which amends the damage although not completely. Still it’s one of the funnier movies of the year, and very much under-watched.
3. Hamlet 2. Dark, pitch black comedy at times. Ridiculous satire at others. Maybe even too sad to really work as a comedy. And there’s a musical number called “Love me Sexy Jesus”. Did I mention Elizabeth Shue plays Elisabeth Shue? It may not be a great movie, but it is a unique one, and worth seeking out for the adventurous viewer.
4. Speed Racer. Sure everytime this movie stops for a second to catch it’s breath and try to tell a story, it grinds to a near-total stop. But when it is in action-mode, the Wachowski Brothers deliver visuals so unusual and vibrant, they seem to be pushing forward the art form.
5. Body of Lies. William Monahan writes big, full characters (adapting David Ignatius’ novel). Leonardo Dicaprio and Russell Crowe play off each other with intensity and drollness, respectively. Mark Strong continues his push for coolest character actor around (see Revolver for prior evidence). And Ridley Scott brings the action and epic scale.
6. Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. It’s about as funny as the original, which is a big compliment. A lot of fun with racial stereotypes and Patriot Act USA, and a surprisingly sympathetic portrayal of George Bush.
7. Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. If you think it looks kinda schmaltzy, you’re kinda right. But it’s also way more funny than most people will suspect, and Michael Cera and Kat Dennings have wonderful and very believable chemistry.
8. Traitor. Seriously, it’s actually pretty solid. It has a relatively nuanced (with the big qualifier being, for a studio film) portrayal of Islam and terrorism, features a great performance from Don Cheadle, and has a knockout ending.
9. Ghost Town. The trailer for this makes it look positively awful. Unfunny material not in the movie is actually used in the trailer. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, the actual movie is funny and charming.
10. In Bruges. This is a tonal shake-up of a movie, one that really needs to be seen twice to appreciate, since the first time you might get tonal whiplash. It’ll stay with you though, with its humor, moments of tragedy, and a gorgeous final chase.
Top 7 Awesomely Bad Movies…Because They’re Rare
1. Never Back Down. Cam Gigandet is delightfully overacting as the douchebag nemesis fighter. Djimon Hounsou is way too good to be in this movie, which is sort of hilarious in itself. The love interest’s name is Baja. The director tosses the camera around like he thinks enough contortions will make us take this somewhat seriously. And it preaches non-violence! Which is remarkably hypocritical, considering it’s a fight movie, the fights are shot with clear affection and for entertainment value, and it’s called Never Back Down!
2. Step up 2 the Streets. As if the title didn’t say it all. Lame dialogue attempting to be hip. A very obviously model-beautiful lead who is playing a tomboy tough-girl (apparently tomboys only wear midriff-exposing shirts). Goofy from the jump, this movie actually has a few fun dance scenes.
3. 10,000 BC. Apparently they had a lot of mascara back then. Also spoke English. Yeah….it’s hilarious.
4. Teeth. The tone is all strange, all the time. Is this a black comedy? The repeating, “Ohhh!”-inducing gross-out shots of severed genitals suggest it might be.
5. The Happening. M. Night Shymalan does not make himself easy to defend. It’s hard being an M. Night Shymalan fan these days. The wind is the bad guy? Really?
6. 88 Minutes. If it’s really 88 minutes, going in real time, then how does a semen sample get analyzed and the results returned within five minutes….maybe that’s the same magic that has old-timer Al Pacino playing a professor so cool he parties with his students.
7. Lakeview Terrace. Samuel L. Jackson is slowly but surely fashioning a career out of messing around with white people. Black Snake Moan: He ties a white girl with a chain and drags her around. Jumper: He ties a white boy with a chain and drags him around. Lakeview Terrace: He ruins the life of a white man married to a black woman. Each of those 3 movies is less artistically effective and more “Isn’t Samuel L. Jackson a badass?”-exploitive.
Top 4 Action Movies….Because I Can Only Recommend 4 in Good Conscience
1. The Dark Knight. The trailer flip. The bank heist. The Hong Kong kidnapping by plane. Apart from a few confusingly shot fight scenes, The Dark Knight managed to pay off as an actioner and a thinking man’s comic book picture.
2. Wanted. This kick-ass movie runs and guns in ways that stretch the imagination. Bullets bend. People simply run through glass walls. Angelina Jolie shoots around corners with her weird gun. And my personal favorite, the lead character, a repressed office drone, knocks the hell out of his “best friend” (who’s sleeping with his girl) with a keyboard, in slow-mo the flying broken off letters read “F**k you”.
3. Speed Racer. Mind-blowing. That’s the only way to describe the freaky visual imagination the Wachowskis brought to this thing. It must be seen to be understood.
4. Incredible Hulk. Keep it simple, stupid. That was the Hulk re-do’s stance. It paid off. The Hulk vs. Abomination twenty minute-or so brawl was worth the price of attendance.
Top 10 Performances This Year
1. Heath Ledger as Joker, The Dark Knight. Like you didn’t know that. Mannerisms aplenty, his performance actually gets more impressive the more you watch it, since there’s so many little touches to pick up on.
2. Sean Penn as Harvey Milk, Milk. Penn is so delightfully goofy, so endearingly odd, and at the same time so commanding and inspiring when he steps up on the stage (or at one point literally on a box labeled “soapbox”), he might get the Academy’s vote come spring. He deserves it.
3. Robert Downey Jr. as Kirk Lazarus, Tropic Thunder. It is almost totally forgotten that Robert Downey Jr. played a dude in blackface this summer, it’s almost besides the point. That’s because he’s absolutely hilarious doing it. By so clearly playing a dumb white man’s idea of a proud black man, Downey pulled off the impossible.
4. Sasson Gabai as Tawfiq, The Band’s Visit. Gabai gives his military band-leader a melancholy air that only sweetens our desire for him to seal the deal with a local Israeli, and makes it worse when he doesn’t.
5. Dev Patel as Jamal, Slumdog Millionaire. Totally credible in his romantic pining for long lost love Latika, Patel makes a fine leading man in Danny Boyle’s latest. He carries a film that requires of him a full range of emotions with ease.
6. Javier Bardem as Juan Antonio Gonzalo, Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Shedding his ugly No Country for Old Men haircut to play the exotic love interest in Woody Allen’s latest, Bardem almost makes his shockingly forward come-ons seem not-creepy…almost.
7. Russell Brand as Aldous Snow, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Casually debauched (he nonchalantly apologizes to the lead for sleeping with his girlfriend) and hilariously obvious when he tries to be subtle (his running jokes on the ugly shirt his girlfriend forces him to wear are fantastic) this ludicrous rock star (his music video shows him humping a nun) is the funniest part of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
8. Colin Farrell as newbie hitman Ray, In Bruges. The best performance I’ve ever seen Colin Farrell give. Hilariously funny. Totally credible as depressed and guilty. Expressive, entertaining, just great work.
9. Michael Cera as Nick, Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist. No really. Hang on. Tell me this isn’t the most believable portrayal of a broken-hearted teen onscreen in years. Maybe Cera’s just playing himself, but he does it with refreshing subtlety.
10. Seth Green as Ezekiel, Sex Drive. Seth Green gives every line an ambigous sarcasm as Ezekiel, the Amish man who misses sarcasm the most while living with the Amish. Half the fun is trying to figure out, is he being sarcastic now? Or now?
Alright
Top 10 Movies of the Year
1. The Dark Knight. I’m sorry. I wish I had a more original topper. But who are we kidding here? Christopher Nolan took an absurdly hyped movie and delivered. It’s nearly 3 hours long and it goes by in a flash. The pacing is top-notch. The characters deep and satisfyingly arc-ing. Heath Ledger will live on forever as the Joker, so memorably weird was his turn. The action was huge and fun, while the thoughts were deep enough to make repeat viewings meaningful on more than an entertainment level. An instant classic.
2. The Band’s Visit. This movie is an absolute secret. A shameful amount of people saw this movie in America, it’s a real gem people have hopefully unearthed on video. Eran Kolirin gives us a little hint of Waiting for Godot existentialism, sort of a grown-up awkwardness equivalent of Napoleon Dynamite, it’s deeply moving at times, with a failed love story more touching than 100 contrived Hollywood romances, and underneath it all is a positive message not only about humanity, but about people of different cultures.
3. Young@Heart. What a movie. This movie came out way too early, and as a result will likely be forgotten in many top 10 lists. It is in fact a documentary, but really it plays out as a sort of tragic comedy. These old folks are so vigorously full of life, it comes as a shock when they start to inevitably pass away during the film. And if there isn’t a moment more touching this year than seeing these old folks turn inmates into soft-hearted teddy bears, I mean, this movie will make you cry the week after, it’s so touching.
4. Wall-E. A gorgeous piece of consumer criticism by Pixar (though that might be an oxymoron), complete with a stunningly brave silent movie stretch at the beginning, Wall-E is more than just a “kids” or a “family” film. It’s a masterpiece of art.
5. Tropic Thunder. Just ridiculously funny. From the opening fake trailers to the Robert Downey Jr monologue about playing “full retard” to Jack Black’s withdrawal-induced homosexual rant, this was the funniest movie of the year.
6. Slumdog Millionaire. A melodrama, to be sure, but a fantastic one. Danny Boyle switches genres like crazy career-wise, but always brings extraordinary visuals with him. Here they sweat with urban energy and spin a fairy tale for the Who Wants to be a Millionaire? generation.
7. Synechdoche, New York. Harder to understand than it’s title is to pronounce, this Charlie Kaufman mind-f*ck is a feast for the brain. Meta to the point of insanity, exploring a dizzying range of human emotions and tones, this is just an awe-inspiring piece of mental gymnastics.
8. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Say what you will about Woody Allen’s personal life, the guy can make a movie. No one writes verbose, witty dialogue like Allen, nor invests their female characters with as much personality. With this and Match Point Allen has made two minor classics in just the past few years. A pleasure.
9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Proof the Apatow formula when perfected, much like the Pixar formula when perfected, can’t be beat. This movie is absolutely hilarious and begs to be watched over and over again.
10. In Bruges. I personally totally missed the boat on this. Finding myself reciting its lines back after leaving the screening, I nonetheless gave it a middling review, feeling at the time it’s tonal shifts were simply too off-putting. But a second go round confirmed what I had suspected, if you go with In Bruges, it totally works. Plus Ralph Fiennes is fantastically jerky in it.